MURPHY's GENERAL LAWS:
- "Nothing is as easy as it looks."
- "Everything takes longer than you think."
- "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong."
- "If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong."
- "If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then."
- "If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway."
- "If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop."
- "Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse."
- "If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something."
- "Nature always sides with the hidden flaw."
- "Mother nature is a bitch."
- "It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious."
- "Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first."
- "Every solution breeds new problems."
- "Trust everybody ... then cut the cards."
- "Two wrongs are only the beginning."
- "If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
- "To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles."
- "Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget."
- "Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view."
MURPHY's TECHNICAL LAWS:
- "You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track."
- "Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence."
- "Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition."
- "Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand."
- "If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization."
- "The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm."
- "The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord."
- "An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing."
- "Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure."
- "All great discoveries are made by mistake."
- "Always draw your curves, then plot your reading."
- "Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget."
- "All's well that ends."
- "A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost."
- "The first myth of management is that it exists."
- "A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection."
- "New systems generate new problems."
- "To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer."
- "We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything."
- "Any given program, when running, is obsolete."
- "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."
- "A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make."
- "The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a crashed state."
- "Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work."
- "Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book."
- "The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman. "
- "To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most."
- "After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done."
- "Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development."
- "A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works."
- "If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number."
- "Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable."
- "Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a 'Pearl Harbor File.'"
- "Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases."
- "If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious."
- "The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order."
- "In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totalled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday."
- "Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches."
- "All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door."
- "The only perfect science is hind-sight."
- "Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling."
- "If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist."
- "If an experiment works, something has gone wrong."
- "When all else fails, read the instructions."
- "If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. "
- "Everything that goes up must come down."
- "Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner."
- "Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way."
- "Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it."
- "The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management. "
- "Any attempt to print Murphy's laws will jam the printer."
MURPHY's SEX LAWS:
- "The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings."
- "Nothing improves with age."
- "No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again."
- "Sex has no calories."
- "Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble."
- "There is no remedy for sex but more sex."
- "Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got."
- "No sex with anyone in the same office."
- "Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last."
- "A man in the house is worth two in the street."
- "If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow."
- "When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him."
- "Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself."
- "The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later."
- "Sex is dirty only if it's done right."
- "It is always the wrong time of month."
- "The best way to hold a man is in your arms."
- "When the lights are out, all women are beautiful."
- "Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either."
- "Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure."
- "The game of love is never called off on account of darkness."
- "It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden."
- "Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly."
- "Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs."
- "There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it."
- "Love your neighbor, but don't get caught."
- "Love is a hole in the heart."
- "If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon."
- "Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics."
- "Do it only with the best."
- "Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning."
- "One good turn gets most of the blankets."
- "You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women."
- "Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence."
- "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."
- "Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood."
- "Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you."
- "Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song."
- "Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested."
- "A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't."
- "What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick."
- "It is better to be looked over than overlooked."
- "Never say no."
- "A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her."
- "Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps."
- "Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone."
- "Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog."
- "A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride."
- "Love comes in spurts."
- "The world does not revolve on an axis."
- "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant."
- "Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking."
- "Don't do it if you can't keep it up."
- "There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love."
- "Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight."
- "Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another."
- "This won't hurt, I promise."
- "What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick."
- "The younger the better."
- "Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking."
- "Virginity can be cured."
MURPHY's LOVE LAWS:
- "All the good ones are taken."
- "If the person isn't taken, there's a reason. (corr. to 1)"
- "The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you."
- "Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant."
- "The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them."
- "Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position."
- "The best things in the world are free --- and worth every penny of it."
- "Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction."
- "Nice guys(girls) finish last."
- "If it seems too good to be true, it probably is."
- "Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else."